If the Shoe Fits
by Cheddar
Summary: I'm baaaack! Yeah you thought you could get rid of me that easily? Yeah right. This fic was born when I noticed my brother watching Sesame Street's "Cinder Elmo". Very weird, so bear with me. Cheers!


TITLE: If the Shoe Fits

TITLE: If the Shoe Fits

AUTHOR: Cheddar (cheddar1013@yahoo.com), with help from Sicily

SUMMARY: Fox Mulder must find the beautiful woman who left her shoe at his ball before midnight…. or else.

RATING: PG-13

SPOILERS: None

CATEGORY: H, MSR

FEEDBACK: Please. I beg of you

ARCHIVING: Anywhere (as long as name and email are still on it)

DISCLAIMER: *takes a breath* Mulder and Scully…. *sigh* aren't mine. (phew that was the hardest part of the whole fic)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay I wrote the first 8 pages of this several months ago, then a horrible thing called Fourth Quarter of School happened. Now that I am free (Hey I wrote a fic called that!), fics are first priority. Hope you enjoy

******

The Palace

3:12 pm

King "Don't light it" Spender marched up the long flight of stairs up to his son's room. Well, perhaps "marched" isn't the correct verb in this case. More accurately, he staggered- due to the fact that eighteen-nineteenths of his lungs were missing from the cancer. The poor man leaned against the stony walls and crawled up until he reached the top.

"Fox," he wheezed. "Come out here. Please."

His lanky Highness, Prince Fox grudgingly opened the door and jerked his headphones off his ears. "Whaddya want now, old man?" he yelled over his rebellious Jimi Hendrix music.

"Fox," the King choked. "We need to have a talk…"

"Awww Dad you already gave me The Talk last year," he whined. "I don't want to know anymore. It's not like I'm ever gonna use it…"

"No.. different… talk…"

"For gosh-sakes, Dad," Fox murmured, leaning over to light a cigarette and stick it in his father's mouth. 

The King- immediately healed- suddenly jumped up put his hands on his hip. "Look, kid," he began. "You're thirty-nine years old. You can't keep living in the nursery on the top floor. You gotta get a wife sometime-"

"Dad!" Prince Fox whined. "Dad, I don't want a wife-"

"Son I'm not going to live forever," King Spender reminded him. His son turned away and lowered his face.

"Dad, don't say that," he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. 

"Well, son, it's the truth," the old man said, pulling his beloved Prince close to him. "You need to get married and take over the Kingdom."  
Heh heh, Fox though. King. King Fox. That has a nice ring to it.

"Okay Dad. I'll find a wife. But how?"

"Well that's just what I came to talk to you about. I have been talking to Royal Advisor Alex and Royal Advisor Marita about having a ball. The most splendid ball of all the Kingdom. We'll invite all the rich people in all the land. And the abudctees, and the Government spies-"

"And the MUFON members?" Prince Fox asked hopefully.

King Spender patted his head. "Yes, little one. And the MUFON members."

"Oh joy!" Prince Fox cried, clapping his hands. "Thank you, Dad!"

The Gentle and Kind King chuckled as his son ran back into his room. "Tonight!" he called. "You better get Royal Advisor Alex to give you a bath." At this, Prince Fox jumped with excitement. Royal Advisor Alex was his favorite. Well, Royal Advisor Walter was really his favorite. He used to sneak sunflower seeds up to the Prince with is midnight drink, but he ran away with some blonde last year and Fox hadn't seen him since.

Across Town

6:15 pm

"A ball!?!" Citizen Marge cried. "Oh wonderful! Missy! Missy! Come join me in the parlor for a moment, dear."

Missy scampered happily into the parlor. "Yes, Mother?" 

"Sweetheart, I just got an invitation from the Royal Consortium that tonight there will be a ball held at the Palace and you and your sister are invited to come!"

"Oh Mother," Missy breathed. "That sounds wonderful, but I have to rotate my constellation marbles tonight. They say it's going to be a full moon."

"Missy-" Marge warned. "I won't let you miss this. This is a big night. Why you could find yourself a husband tonight! By the way, where's your sister?"

At this point, her bundle of joy Billy skipped in. "Hi Mummy. How are you today?"

His mother looked at him sideways. "Billy where is your sister?"

"I dunno."

"Billy," she said slowly. "There's going to be a ball tonight-"

"A ball???" Billy cried."Mommy, mommy please let me go!"

"I don't know, honey. It says only Missy and Dana are invited."

Billy crossed his hands across his chest. "Why do _they_ always get invited? They should be home spending time with their _family_. I bet that stupid Prince was involved in this."

Citizen Marge ignored his rude comments. "Now I have to go to a very important meeting tonight, so I am leaving you three alone here. Be nice to your sisters, Billy. Missy, you and Dana get ready to go to the ball. I'll see you late tonight. Have a good time." She kissed her two children on the cheeks and then left.

Missy ran up to the stairs. "Oh a ball… I can't wait! DANA!!" she screamed. "DRAW MY BATHWATER!! I'M COMING UP!"

Billy snickered. "DANA!!! MOM SAYS MISSY AND I GET TO GO TO THE BALL TONIGHT. YOU STAY HERE AND FILL OUT MY APPLICATION FOR THE NAVYYYYY," he called up. "AND MAKE IT SOUND REALLY GOOD!"

Upstairs, Dana sighed. She was covered in ashes from cleaning up Billy's cigarettes he had left burning in his bed when she heard her wicked brother and sister screaming. 

"I wish _I _could go to the ball," she said softly. "Billy always locks me in the closet when he and Missy go out somewhere. I wish I could get out of the house… get out of my own beeping little blankety-blank corner-"

In her younger days, Dana used to sing a song about her little corner. Then Billy poured antifreeze all over it and threw a match in it. It had never been the same since.

"Dana," Missy whined, entering the room. "My bunion's hurting me. Scrape it when you're finished with my bathwater."

Once again Dana sighed. It was such a hard-knock life.

The Royal Palace

6:45 pm

"Father, the decorations look magnificent," Fox commented, coming down the stairs in his Royal Bathrobe.

"Why thank you, son," his father said, lighting up a cigarette. "Royal Advisor Diana picked them out. Have you decided what to wear tonight?"

"Why yes, actually," the Prince said, dropping his robe to reveal a red Speedo. "Isn't it nice?"

From across the room, Royal Advisor Diana's eyes popped out of her/it's head. 

"Um," King Spender stammered. "It's… nice…"

"Royal Advisor Alex picked it out for me," Prince Fox boasted. "He said it was flattering."

The King cleared his cancer-stricken throat. "Fox… perhaps you should wear your Palace clothes. You know… the fancy ones."

Prince Fox sighed and went up to his room to change.

Across Town

7:00 pm

"Oh Billy," Missy said, giggling. "You look quite handsome. All the ladies will want a piece of you."

Billy smirked and leaned over and whispered to his sister, "Actually I was going more for the big prize…_the Prince._"

Missy looked at him and gasped. "No! He's mine!"

"Shut up you clairvoyant bitch! He's mine!"

"I can't believe you, you fruitcake!"

Dana closed the door to her tiny little room, tears welling up in her eyes. She hated yelling. 

An Hour Later

Dana watched sadly as her brother and sister climbed into the family car and drove away to the grand ball. She could picture it now- decorations everywhere, beautiful long dresses, maybe even alcohol in the drinks! O how she wished she could be there.

*PooF*! A cloud of smoke erupted in front of her. Dana coughed and wondered what had happened. When the smoke cleared, to her surprise, a little man in round glasses stood in front of her. On his back he wore pink wings, you know, the kind with elastic that goes around your arms that you buy from Wal-Mart for four bucks?

"Hey sweetie," he said, leaning over with a grin. "Got any plans tonight?"

Dana stood up, insulted. "Who are you?"

He sighed. "I'm your Fairy Godgunman. I'm here to take you to the ball."

"What? I can't go to the ball! Look at me! I'm covered in soot, bile from the last autopsy I did, and I have nothing to wear! Plus I haven't been on a date for seven years," she said miserably. 

"That's the reason I'm here. I'm here to clean you up and make you presentable. Then you can go to the ball. You want to go to the ball, right?"

Dana fell to her knees and clasped the little man's half-gloved hands. "Oh yes, more than anything in the world!"

*PooF*! The Fairy Godgunman waved the keyboard in his hands in front of her and Dana was transformed. She was suddenly clean, and her hair was it's natural red color again. He waved the keyboard again and she now had dazzling makeup on and her hair was put up. She had gold earrings and her plain gold cross was now lined in diamonds. *PooF*! Her old rags were gone and she was now wearing a long, red sparkling ball gown with alow neck and long white gloves. And on her feet she wore golden glass slippers on her feet.

The poor girl looked down in awe at herself. Never had she been able to afford these clothes, not on a G-woman's salary. She looked up with tears in her eyes at the little man.

"Oh you are so kind!" she cried, hugging him. "What can I do to repay you?"

The Fairy Godgunman grinned. "How about a little one, on the cheek?"  
Happily, Dana kissed her Godgunman's cheek. "But how will I get to the ball?" she asked.

The Godgunman looked around and pointed to a baseball on Dana's bed. With awave of his keyboard, it was now transformed into a grand, sparkling new UFO. He waved his keyboard again and it was sitting outside in Citizen Marge's driveway.

Looking at her clock, Dana knew she had to run. With another kiss on her Fairy Godgunman's cheek, she scurried out to her UFO. Her Godgunman called to her that she must be back before twelve, when the spell wore off.

She was on her way.

The Palace

8:00 pm

Prince Fox had never looked so magnificent, nor had the palace ever looked so enchanting. All the ladies were in their finest gowns and all the men in their finest tuxedos. (Prince Fox wore his red Speedo under his, just to be rebellious. O he is a wild one, don't you think?)

The party seemed to be going nicely, except that Royal Advisor Diana had been caught in the back room table-dancing for some of the gentlemen people at the party. She was immediately sent up to her room, along with King Spender.

The handsome Prince finally got a chance to sneak over to the food between dances. Along the way he passed a group of abudctees, comparing implants in vials. With a wistful touch to the back of his neck, Prince Fox looked at them longingly. He had always wished to be part of that group- to be abducted. Just once. That's all he asked for. 

He was just about to reach for a sunflower-seed cupcake, when lights turned down. People began to gasp, and Prince Fox immediately turned around to see what all the hubbub was about. A spotlight suddenly slammed onto the very top step. The people were silent. Very slowly, a beautiful young woman walked slowly into it. She squinted a bit from the glare, but nonetheless looked absolutely magical. Chris deBurg's cheesy 80's hit "Lady In Red" filled the speakers.

Fox felt his heart melting to the floor. He had never seen such a woman before. She had short, red hair (which matched her dress perfectly) and blue eyes. She was quite short, but had a beautiful figure. 

It was in that instant that Fox knew who his soulmate was.

The people were in awe of the mystery woman, who no one knew, but soon went back to their dancing and socializing. The Prince, meanwhile, tried his darndest to make his way over to the woman. In his mind he was wondering if he should introduce himself as The Prince, or Her Soulmate…

From across the room, Billy Scully had been eying Fox the entire night. While his sister joined a group of people who believed they were Julius Caesar's lover in a past life, Billy stood alone, watching the Prince's every step. Aha! He was finally alone! Now was Billy's chance to make his move.

Dana looked around in amazement at the palace. It was even more marvelous then the travel brochures had said! Whoever had designed this place was quite talented, she decided.

Several men had already asked Dana if she would dance, but she turned most of them down. The only one she didn't turn down was a man named Ed, who told her if she didn't dance with him then he'd sic his talking tattoo on her. Dana quickly complied.

For the time being, however, the peasant girl was alone, smiling warmly at those who passed by. Suddenly, she turned to her side, coming face to face with the most strikingly attractive man she had ever feasted her eyes upon. He had dark brown hair, a mole on his left cheek, and a cute Jewish nose. He was quite tall, especially to Dana, and cute as a button.

"Um…" he stuttered. "Hi."

"Hi," she squeaked back. Her hands were shaking.

"I was wondering if…if you would like… to um… to dance? Now? With me?" he choked. Whew. That was hard. 

Dana felt as if she was flying. "Of course!" she said. "I'm not familiar with this song though…"

"Me either. Let's wait for the next one."

"Okay," she replied, and sighed contently. She couldn't believe this was happening. She made a quick silent prayer to her little bald-headed Godgunman, thanking him.

She and the Prince chatted for a moment, introducing themselves, saying their favorite things, you know the sort. They began laughing and talking more and more, until four songs had passed! They were having such a good time that they didn't even notice. 

The DJ got on the microphone and announced their next song. Prince Fox clapped his hands together happily. "Dana! I love this song! We have to dance."

Dana loved this song too. "Okay," she said, as he pulled her near and stepped out to the dance floor. "What's it called again?"

"Walking in Memphis," Fox replied, raising his voice above the crowd's. 

The two were now the center of attention, dancing like crazy to Cher's deep yet oddly mesmerizing voice. Everyone around them laughed and smiled with excitement at the two as they showed their best moves. Everyone, that is, except for one Billy Scully.

Billy penetrated little laser beam lights from his eyes as he stared evilly at the two. Who was this woman? Where had she come from? Who gave her the right to dance with the Prince? Something had to be done. 

Towards the end of the song, Billy walked up between them and looked at the woman in the eye. "Excuse me, ma'am. May I cut in?"

"NO," they both answered in unison. Prince Fox promptly kicked the little twit in the buttocks. Outraged, Billy stamped his foot down and tried unsuccessfully to kick Prince Fox back. He missed him completely, and ended up kicking Dana in the shin, sending her delicate glass slipper flying in the air. Fortunately, it landed in a soft pile of leaves (Note: how a pile of leaves got into the Royal Palace in still up for debate) and was untouched. Dana was just about to run over and get it, when the clock struck twelve.

In horror, Dana kissed Prince Fox in the cheek and hurried off, disappearing into the night.

"Oh brother," Fox murmured.

The Next Morning Route 66

In a Carriage

Across town

8 AM Sharp

"Don't worry, my son," King Spender said, stroking his beautiful son's hair. "We'll find her."

"No we won't!" came the angry muffled reply from the Prince, who's face was buried in a pillow. "We'll never, ever, ever find her. And then I won't get to get married. And then you will die and I won't have a wife! And then I won't be able to take the throooooooooooooooooooooone!" he screeched. 

King Spender sighed. "We have one more chance, Fox. One more house. Two daughters live there- maybe one of them is your Mystery Woman."

"Yeah right," he replied crossly, looking out the window. "She's gone forever. For ever and ever."

Citizen Marge's house

8:15 AM

"Missy," Marge called. "Will you please take the hot water off the stove?"

"Yes Mother," Missy replied obediently. She promptly turned to her sister in the chair beside her. "Dana, take the hot water off the stove," she said primly.

Reluctantly, Dana rose and walked over the stove. She was about to pick up the kettle when her mean old brother walked in. He hit her back with his elbow, causing her to spill hot water all over her hands.

"HA HA!" Billy cried, laughing hysterically. "Ha, ha look at Dana! Missy, lookit! Lookit at Dana! She has hot water all over her hands! Aww Dana don't cry now," he said, laughing. "Big brother will make it better." With that, Billy poured all the water on the floor in front of Dana's shoes, causing hot steam to rise and sting all over Dana's body.

Suddenly, a loud knock was heard at the door. Marge raced over to the door, hoping it was that cute Fed-Ex man delivering a package she had sent to herself a few days ago. No such luck. It was the King.

Marge opened the door with a half-hearted sigh and asked, "What do you want?"

"I am King Spender. Oh (CENSORED!), I forgot. I'm not supposed to tell my identity… Hold on lemme try this again."

Spender and his entourage of Playboy models and Secret Service men closed the door. A moment later they knocked again.

"Hi I'm the King Smokealot. My son, Prince Fox, and I were wondering if we could see if a shoe left at last night's ball would fit one of your daughters. It's awfully important," Spender said. Marge nodded and yelled up the stairs for her two darlings to come scampering down the stairs.

To make a long story short (and let me tell you- it's LONG), Missy's foot was too big for the tiny shoe and Bill wouldn't let them put it on him because he had just painted his toenails that really cute new Bath and Body works Beauty by Nature blue and didn't want his nail polish to smear. 

Prince Fox was close to tears when his father put his hand on his shoulder and whispered, "Let's go, Fox." He turned to the door to leave.

Suddenly, a wild, feminine Tarzan scream was heard and the door was kicked open. In ran none other than Dana, wearing nothing but a loincloth and a coconut bra. With a martial arts move not seen since season five's "Kill Switch", she kicked those Playboy models' lights out!!! They were all on the floor, sprawled around when Dana took the bewildered, yet slightly excited Prince Fox by the hand. 

"Fox, it's me," she cried. "I was the one who had the shoe! That's my shoe! It's me who you love. Let me prove it!"

With trembling hands, Prince Fox held the shoe and tried to stick it on Dana's foot. Unfortunately, the story does not stop here, and you have to keep reading. You see… the damn shoe didn't fit. 

"No!!!" cried Dana. "No! I knew this would happen! Even last night I had to stuff Kleenexes (Note- I don't own Kleenex so please don't sue) in the toe. It's my stupid feet! They're too small! I cant' even reach the—"

"Pedals?" Fox finished quietly. It was at that moment that Fox and Dana looked into each others eyes and realized they were meant for each other. Heck, they could finish each other's sentences! If that's not love, I don't know what is.

So anyhoo Fox and Dana had a splendid wedding at the Palace, and Billy and Missy weren't invited, but Cheddar and Sicily were bridesmaids. Then they had a lovely honeymoon (but we won't go into that because this fic is written by a 15 year old) and had a son named William. I'm not sure what happens after that but as soon as I go to the Haven and find some spoilers for next season I might be able to give you an update.

And they lived happily ever after!

X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X

Love and sunflower seeds to Sicily, who is the coolest junior.. er.. SENIOR I know! Thanks a million


End file.
